The pursuit of happiness

I've been mulling over whether to write this for more than a month now. The idea for writing it has been in my head but it hasn't seemed the right time. After my last post and it's raw honesty, I wasn't sure where this blog would go. My problems with a need for attention, was tough to deal with personally and I didn't realise a tougher issue was to come.


I've been reading Rick Mckinleys book,   and got to a point where he suggested that there are things in all of our lives that block us from having a better relationship with God. He asks the reader if they can identify what they think those things are? I put the book down and asked God what in my life was stopping me having a deeper relationship with Him?

He answered "happiness". "You put your own happiness before Me and before everyone and everything in your life. Your feeling of happiness is what you measure everything with, how you make decisions in life without a thought of how they affect others. You've spent the last eleven years seeking happiness, not Me. You walked away from Me when you decided I wasn't going to give you happiness."

That was Saturday 27th April. I took it well that night and was happy to have some revelation in my life. I went to church the next day and everything changed. The realisation that eleven years of being a christian were gone and for what? I stood there and cried as the music played, it was like a part of me had died and I was at the funeral. God spoke to me again. He said "let your need for happiness go and seek Me." I cried even harder. I knew deep down that was the barrier between us and I should do it; but honestly I didn't want to let go. That was the last foundation of my life; more than my need for attention, which was born out of my pursuit of happiness. It was easier to stick with what I knew rather than take a chance on the unknown and not be in control.

I'm not going to lie, I felt disappointed at God that in the last eleven years He hadn't made me happy. As an extension I blamed Him for allowing me to make such a mess of my life and much worse, hurting other people including those closest to me.

The following is taken from my journal on Thursday 2nd May.

I'm actually struggling quite badly at the minute. I realised Saturday night what's been the problem with my faith. I've never actually wanted God, I've wanted to be happy. I came to God in 2002 deeply depressed and believing that God was what I had been missing in terms of personal happiness. I believed God to be the lender of last resort for my happiness, and felt like He pulled a Lehman Brothers on me by the end of 2011. I left believing I had found the answer to my personal happiness.
So beyond the revelation, why haven't i felt a release? Basically because I've realised I wasted 11 years playing at christianity when really I just wanted to be happy and I'm not sure what's left. I can't sing the songs in church anymore because I don't know if I believe them. I used to sing them without actually knowing they were truth. I cried on Sunday because I couldn't sing the songs and honestly felt what was the point of being in church? 
I don't know where I'm heading right now; I don't know how I really feel? The simple answer seems to be turn to God and surrender... I thought I had done that a number of times and for what?
I've treated everyone in my life horrendously, all ultimately in the pursuit of happiness I never found. That's a real kick in the teeth when you realise your lives mistakes and struggles have been for nought. 

It was the same on the Sunday after in church, I couldn't sing and wondered what I was doing there. On the Monday I went on holiday with my children and was extremely blessed by the best time I could remember. I got to spend the whole week with them, without anyone else and made the most of real quality time. This is what I wrote on Friday 10th May when I got back.

The week away with the kids has made me realise how much I just get on with life. Every little thing is just an excuse or distraction from focusing on God and what I want in life. I've become acutely aware that my desire for God has been low key and part time. I spent the week before I went away borderline agnostic. I've come back more than aware I've gotten what I put in to my relationship with God, my children and all of those around me.

So what changed? I buried the happiness me and found a desire for God that I hadn't known before. It was like something had been removed! I perhaps more importantly realised that being happy is a choice you make. You can be happy in any situation if you chose to seek the positives. Rich or poor, hot or cold, surrounded by others or on your own. What I also realised was seeking after God and His will and desires, is the most positive thing you can do. God is the ultimate positive, there is no negative to be found in God. When you approach life in that way it changes for the better.

Now am I 100% positive and happy all my waking hours? Of course not, I'm not God. What I have noticed is a negative buzzer that goes off in my head when I express certain opinions or thoughts (especially where other people are concerned), which is a positive learning curve.

I know that no matter what happens in my life going forward; my happiness isn't about me getting my own way and life is not about everyone and everything working in my favour. My life is going to be exactly how God sees best for me.

That's positive.