Albums of the month

Apologies for not doing this sooner, but hey you get more than one album to go check out!

Will Reagan & United pursuit were a band who recorded their own music and produced and sold their own albums. After the diy album "Live at the Banks House" sold so well, the band were able to get the money together to record professionally.  Endless Years is that album. Folksy and unashamedly unpolished, it takes a few listens to get into but is worth it.

Led by Tim Hughes, Worship Central is school of worship based at Holy Trinity Brompton in London. This is a live album recorded at HTB and is comparable in style to the Jesus Culture live albums. This is an awesome album and you can't fail to get into it straight away.

Anthony Skinner & the immersion family band are a part of a community who worship God and do life together. This has led to "The Sound That Saved Us all", another folky diy album straight from the heart. 4  catchy songs that are very catchy and fun. This is a band that's going places, expect an album early next year.

Kim Walker Smith of Jesus Culture has released an album with her husband Skyler. This is a folky album again (you can see where I'm going music wise...) and one that is not the normal JC style. This is a very personal album as you can imagine, full of the powerful scripture based lyrics you'd expect but a simple endearing style. Powerful stuff.

Last and by no means least is the Northern Irish folk rock (shock horror) band Rend Collective Experiment. Another community of musicians who love God and have decided to do life together. They do themselves so much more justice, skip the advert and check out the video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vk2MpaTEzXw

 

Two wheeled love

I bought a road bike about six weeks ago, wanted one for a couple of years but couldn't bring myself to part with the £. Finally decided it would be a worthwhile investment and bought one on sale. From the first time I rode it I wished I'd bought it sooner. It's that good!

Every ride to work or back is literally 5 miles of enjoyment. I see two guys on road bikes every morning going the opposite way. We put our hands up or nod every time because we've got road bikes and they are awesome!

When I walk to the kitchen at work I can see my bike locked up at the bottom of the corridor in my spot. I walked out the other day, saw my bike and thought I love that bike. Then I thought, you know what I'd love that bike more if there were no cars on the road. I'd love it more if there weren't potholes and cracks in the road. I'd love it more if it didn't rain and it was summer all year round. I'd love riding it more if my sunglasses didn't keep knocking my headphones out and the wind didn't blow and I could hear my music better. I really do love that bike though.

You know what, I think that's how I feel about God most of the time. I love God, He's great and speaks so much love and security into my life when I let Him. Trouble is all too often I get in the mindset of thinking I'd love Him more if He just sorted my life out without any effort on my part. I'd love God more if I didn't have to work on my relationship with Him. I'd love God more if He was just on hand to sort everything in my favour when I ask. I'd love God more if I didn't have to deal with people and have to learn how to treat them better than I do. I'd love God more if He rewarded every little effort I made with a really great prize.

Jesus made it quite clear, the only way to God was Him + zero, zilch, nada. No effort, no deed, no sacrifice we make could ever earn our way into heaven. You simply decide to love Jesus and accept His death and resurrection as the answer, or you don't. All in blind or leave the table.

I wouldn't love God any better if He did all those things. I'd be more and more disappointed when my ever increasing expectations weren't met. So why do I continue to slip into that mindset? Why aren't I simply blown away by Jesus love, His life and His heart for others? Why don't I give of myself without expectation of return from others? Why do I still see the lack first, rather than the opportunity for Gods favour? Why do I still think if I just get this or that sorted in my life I'll be a better person, instead of living everyday to help others and show them Jesus love through me?

"Having predestined us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will," Ephesians 1:5

If I truly believe that, then I am a Son and heir with Jesus! That is so beyond comprehension, it is simply mind blowing! So why don't I live in that mindset? Why don't I live in the confidence that brings? That is life changing, world changing status right there, yet I still struggle to tell people at work I go to church because I fear what they will think of me.

I think God brings us to a place where we have to choose to see the wood in the trees. I have no God related problems in my life, I have plenty of me related problems in my life. I know the answer, I just need to live in it.

The pursuit of happiness

I've been mulling over whether to write this for more than a month now. The idea for writing it has been in my head but it hasn't seemed the right time. After my last post and it's raw honesty, I wasn't sure where this blog would go. My problems with a need for attention, was tough to deal with personally and I didn't realise a tougher issue was to come.


I've been reading Rick Mckinleys book,   and got to a point where he suggested that there are things in all of our lives that block us from having a better relationship with God. He asks the reader if they can identify what they think those things are? I put the book down and asked God what in my life was stopping me having a deeper relationship with Him?

He answered "happiness". "You put your own happiness before Me and before everyone and everything in your life. Your feeling of happiness is what you measure everything with, how you make decisions in life without a thought of how they affect others. You've spent the last eleven years seeking happiness, not Me. You walked away from Me when you decided I wasn't going to give you happiness."

That was Saturday 27th April. I took it well that night and was happy to have some revelation in my life. I went to church the next day and everything changed. The realisation that eleven years of being a christian were gone and for what? I stood there and cried as the music played, it was like a part of me had died and I was at the funeral. God spoke to me again. He said "let your need for happiness go and seek Me." I cried even harder. I knew deep down that was the barrier between us and I should do it; but honestly I didn't want to let go. That was the last foundation of my life; more than my need for attention, which was born out of my pursuit of happiness. It was easier to stick with what I knew rather than take a chance on the unknown and not be in control.

I'm not going to lie, I felt disappointed at God that in the last eleven years He hadn't made me happy. As an extension I blamed Him for allowing me to make such a mess of my life and much worse, hurting other people including those closest to me.

The following is taken from my journal on Thursday 2nd May.

I'm actually struggling quite badly at the minute. I realised Saturday night what's been the problem with my faith. I've never actually wanted God, I've wanted to be happy. I came to God in 2002 deeply depressed and believing that God was what I had been missing in terms of personal happiness. I believed God to be the lender of last resort for my happiness, and felt like He pulled a Lehman Brothers on me by the end of 2011. I left believing I had found the answer to my personal happiness.
So beyond the revelation, why haven't i felt a release? Basically because I've realised I wasted 11 years playing at christianity when really I just wanted to be happy and I'm not sure what's left. I can't sing the songs in church anymore because I don't know if I believe them. I used to sing them without actually knowing they were truth. I cried on Sunday because I couldn't sing the songs and honestly felt what was the point of being in church? 
I don't know where I'm heading right now; I don't know how I really feel? The simple answer seems to be turn to God and surrender... I thought I had done that a number of times and for what?
I've treated everyone in my life horrendously, all ultimately in the pursuit of happiness I never found. That's a real kick in the teeth when you realise your lives mistakes and struggles have been for nought. 

It was the same on the Sunday after in church, I couldn't sing and wondered what I was doing there. On the Monday I went on holiday with my children and was extremely blessed by the best time I could remember. I got to spend the whole week with them, without anyone else and made the most of real quality time. This is what I wrote on Friday 10th May when I got back.

The week away with the kids has made me realise how much I just get on with life. Every little thing is just an excuse or distraction from focusing on God and what I want in life. I've become acutely aware that my desire for God has been low key and part time. I spent the week before I went away borderline agnostic. I've come back more than aware I've gotten what I put in to my relationship with God, my children and all of those around me.

So what changed? I buried the happiness me and found a desire for God that I hadn't known before. It was like something had been removed! I perhaps more importantly realised that being happy is a choice you make. You can be happy in any situation if you chose to seek the positives. Rich or poor, hot or cold, surrounded by others or on your own. What I also realised was seeking after God and His will and desires, is the most positive thing you can do. God is the ultimate positive, there is no negative to be found in God. When you approach life in that way it changes for the better.

Now am I 100% positive and happy all my waking hours? Of course not, I'm not God. What I have noticed is a negative buzzer that goes off in my head when I express certain opinions or thoughts (especially where other people are concerned), which is a positive learning curve.

I know that no matter what happens in my life going forward; my happiness isn't about me getting my own way and life is not about everyone and everything working in my favour. My life is going to be exactly how God sees best for me.

That's positive.

Album(s) of the month..

Kim Walker Smith of Jesus Culture fame has released her second solo album "Still Believe". Despite enjoying ever growing success in her career, she experienced a number of health issues and this is really her personal expression of her relationship with God and how he carried her through them. It's a brilliant album and a must for anyone who likes Jesus Culture's music.  Here is the link to the website; http://www.jesusculture.com/stillbelieve/

                                        

While we're on the subject of Jesus Culture, I would also seriously recommend you check out their latest albums "Live from New York" and "Emerging Voices"; http://www.jesusculture.com/music/albums      

                                                                 

Thank you

Thank you Lord for the beauty of life's story. Thank you for the love story that is me and you. Thank you that you want us to love you, not because of power or control; but to simply love you for who you are.

Thank you lord that you are everything that has ever been missing in our life's. Thank you lord for being the answer to all of our questions. Thank you lord that you are the balm that heals all our wounds.

Thank you lord for life's journey and the lessons you teach us on the road to where you want to take us. Thank you lord that your grace is sufficient.

Thank you lord that you are the rock upon which we can stand through all that storms around. Thank you lord from the bottom of my heart for making me yours and loving me for who I am.

Album of the month

I bought Chris Tomlin's new album "Burning Lights" on iTunes yesterday and would seriously recommend it. Here is the link to his website, check it out!

http://www.christomlin.com/burning-lights

If there is right in the soul...

"If there is right in the Soul,

there will be beauty in the person.

If there is beauty in the person,

there will be harmony in the home.

If there is harmony in the home,

there will be order in the nation.

If there is order in the nation,

there will be peace in the world."

Lao Tze

My soul hasn't been right for a long time; by soul I mean the inner me, messy and real. The thing I've been hiding and protecting from all of you for the last 12 plus years. The brokenness I've carried in my secret place which has sadly destroyed my marriage, my friendships and caused untold damage to my children. The misguided need to protect the infected rancid wounds I hid within; turned me into a gollumesque character. One who was prepared to lie, cheat and dismiss anyone who came to close to it. All the while going to church and trying to pretend (quite successfully) that I was a "good" person.

Eat enough chocolate and you'll be sick. Tell enough lies, hurt the ones who love you often enough  and you'll end up a sad and lonely individual.

Were the wounds (legitimate and crippling as they were), so shameful and embarrassing that they were worth losing my wife and children over? Not in the furthest reaches of reality.

One year on, am I still the wounded gollum who would rather hide his inner pain, than let God's love heal him? 100% no.

Is their still an awful lot of healing for me and God to walk together through? Absolutely.

Will I be right in my soul? This is the beginning of that journey...