I've been going through what you could call a period of self discovery recently. I really feel God has started to tear down the walls I've built around me. Those things that I use to protect the real me, the me that nobody including my wife is allowed to see. It's the place that holds my pain and biggest fear; sadly it houses the things that make me who I am in the negative sense.
Thankfully through this process I've come to understand exactly what my “pain”is, what caused it and why it's there. The hardest part of my revelation was God showing me my tallest wall, telling me why I'd built it and perhaps most important why I put so much effort into maintaining it. In His amazing grace He gave me a choice. I could carry on trying to hide my pain; or I could admit to it's existence and allow Him to heal me.
I sat in my chair shell shocked! As silly as it might sound, it felt like God had just discovered my carefully hidden secret. I actually felt threatened by God and his “intrusion” into my secret place. The spiritual alcoholic came from that; was I prepared to admit to others I have a weakness and leave myself totally vulnerable? At first no! I didn't want to go there because it's my dark side and the thing I've tried to keep hidden my whole life; it literally scares me to think about it. After a week I was finally able to say “ok God, I want you to heal me.” I also told my wife the bullet points of what's inside me that makes me the man she knows. I couldn't fully unpack it because of the shame and embarrassment I feel even verbalising it.
Just over three weeks have passed since God shone His light on my dark side. I read a very good book (sorry for not giving the title and author, it would give to much info) that talked about dealing with and healing the pain I feel. I promise I will recommend it down the line as I'm sure it will help others. I feel a weight has begun to be lifted off of me since I admitted my addiction to protecting my pain. I realise that I may get a bit messy as I unpack it, allowing God and friends to help me through rehab. I know that with God's help I can take it one day at a time.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
I read this quote in John Powell's book “Through Seasons of the Heart” and thought it was worth sharing.
“another bit of wisdom I have gained from a friend in Alcoholics Anonymous is: We are sick as we are secret. On the other side of the coin is a positive expression of the same truth: We are as healthy and whole as we are open and honest with ourselves and with others.”
